I don't talk to my father. People keep asking me if I feel guilty about it.

My father is alive and in reasonable health as far as I know. We have not spoken in four years. When people find this out — and they do find out, because these things come up — the response is almost always some version of the same question: don't you feel guilty?

The short answer is no. I want to give you the longer answer, because I think the question itself is more interesting than the answer.

Why the question bothers me

When people ask if I feel guilty about not speaking to my father, what they're really asking is: don't you feel that you owe him something by default? That the biological relationship creates an obligation that supersedes whatever reason you have for keeping your distance?

I understand why people think this. Family is framed, in almost every culture I'm aware of, as the primary unit of unconditional love and obligation. You take care of family. You forgive family. You show up for family even when it's hard.

But this framing assumes something that isn't always true — that the family relationship is fundamentally healthy, that the love flows in both directions, that the obligation is mutual.

What actually happened

I'm not going to give you the full story. It's mine and it's not for public consumption in detail. What I will say is that the distance isn't petulance, it isn't me holding a grudge about some argument, it isn't something that a conversation could fix. It's a considered decision made after years of trying other approaches.

I have talked to therapists about it. I have considered it from multiple angles. I have not made this choice lightly or without self-examination.

What I actually feel

I feel sad, sometimes. Not guilty — sad. There's a difference. Guilt implies I've done something wrong. What I feel is grief for the relationship that didn't exist and won't exist. That's a real loss. It just isn't one I can fix by making a phone call.

I also feel, honestly, relief. The kind that comes after you stop trying to change something that cannot be changed. Relief isn't a shameful feeling. It's appropriate when something that was causing you harm is no longer present.

If you're in a similar situation — estranged from a parent or sibling or someone else the world expects you to love unconditionally — I'm not going to tell you what the right answer is. I'm just going to say that "do you feel guilty" is the wrong question. The right question is: are you making the choice that allows you to live with integrity and protect your own wellbeing?

Only you can answer that.